


it's not that i keep coming back to you, it's that we keep coming back to each other

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-01
Updated: 2009-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:07:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I remember you calling me that once."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not that i keep coming back to you, it's that we keep coming back to each other

  
She felt a tap on her shoulder and found herself staring into the most wicked and dancing eyes she’d ever seen.

"Oh, it’s you," she said, and turned a hundred shades of scarlet.

And there began a glorious affair.

\-- _The Man With The Dancing Eyes_ , Sophie Dahl

 

 

 

Within the first ten minutes of getting their audition scripts (which is how long it takes them both to read it -- Kathryn, twice, because she's faster than Megan), they already know who they want to play. It's a bit ridiculous, really, because it all seems very familiar, and Megan says, "Didn't we just do something like this?", laughing.

Kathryn says, "Right, but you aren't dead this time," which makes them both laugh, because honestly.

And Megan picks Katie and Kathryn Emily, and it's just because they're familiar with these roles already, Kathryn thinks, but because they see something in their characters. Well, she does, anyway, she doesn't really know about Meg. Just reading the script, that bit about Naomi, even if it's only in passing, and God, she knows, because it's really quite obvious, if you're looking for it (not like she is, really, it's just that she's more in tune with this sort of thing than most people are).

The first time they read it through in Kathryn's room, Kat in her bed, Megan on the floor, and everything comes so easy, like they've been doing this for forever. She thinks it's the first time she's never stumbled on her words before and an odd sort of confidence washes over her then, because yes, this is her, and this is Megan. Almost, almost -- she's not really shy in real life and when it comes down to it, Kathryn's the one who decides things, not Meg, but take that away, and they're basically the same.

They bollock things up in the audition, of _course_ , with Megan getting nervous and missing her line and Kathryn getting lost, which fucks it up even more. And they sit in the waiting room where Megan mumbles a quiet _sorry_ , and Kat shrugs and says whatever, because she can't fault Meg for getting nervous, after all. There will always be another chance, anyway.

(Except, they only get called in that one time and now Kathryn's a bit panicky, because she doesn't think they're going to get this at all, and she can't understand why she wants this so badly.)

She looks up from her hands, where she'd been twisting the cuff of her sleeve anxiously, looks up to meet the gaze of a girl sitting across the room, legs crossed, script in her lap, shoulder length brown hair, a cream-colored top with jeans. Kathryn feels like she knows her from somewhere, doesn't stop looking ever after the girl smiles at her and goes back to reading her script.

"Meg," she says, and Megan opens her eyes, rubs at them, tired.

"What?"

"Do you see that girl over there?" Kathryn asks, trying to point her out as discreetly as possible. "Do we know her from somewhere? She looks fucking familiar."

"I don't know her," Megan says, leaning back and closing her eyes.

 

;;

 

At auditions, she gets asked if she would have a problem kissing a girl. She responds reflexively, giving them all a wicked smile and saying, no, she wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

Meg doesn't say a thing, when Kat looks over, just raises her eyebrows at her in that infuriatingly knowing way of hers.

 

;;

 

Months later, when she's all but forgotten about the girl, she gets a call on the train that she and Meg have been chosen for the show. She makes a high-pitched sound that she has to smother immediately, because she's sitting here surrounded by strangers and she doesn't want to look absolutely mental. She doesn't even think to call anyone else and let them know, just sits there and clutches at her bag, ready to burst, just wants to stand up and shout something.

(She doesn't know what she'd shout, but she's sure it would be something wonderful).

 

;;

 

"What do you think it's going to be like?" Megan wonders out loud, with them sitting on the couch watching re-runs of American television shows, because there's nothing else on. "I mean, working with everyone. Six months, can you believe it?" A pause. "I hope I get on with everyone."

"Well, yeah, so do I," Kat says, with a yawn. "But I'm not really worried about it. Well, maybe a little. But I'm sure everyone will be rather nice, yeah?"

Megan shrugs, says, "You always get on with everyone, Kathryn, regardless."

 

;;

 

Standing off to the side, talking to Kaya and Lisa (who she immediately recognized from the first two series, even if she didn't watch the show as consistently as Meg and their Dad did), Kathryn catches Meg's eye across the room, gives her a bit of a nod and a wink. Meg's talking to two boys who Kat has yet to meet (she's got a bit of a system: meet the girls first, then the boys, she has a sneaking suspicion she's going to spend more time with the girls for the next six months anyway, so best to get to know them first).

She's talking about school and coursework when a voice behind her says, "Hello."

Kaya and Lisa look at someone over her shoulder; Kat turns, comes face to face with a pair of blue eyes she thought she'd never see again, says, "Oh, hello," completely caught off-guard.

"I know you," the girl -- Lily, _Lily_ , how is it even possible -- says, sticks out her hand.

"Yes," Kat manages, swallowing hard to try and rid herself of the lump in her throat. She shakes Lily's hand, can't help but notice the softness of her skin, the pale, milky color. Lily flashes her a smile when they finally let go, Kat nervously shoving her hand into her jacket pocket.

They do a round of introductions, Kaya raises her eyebrows, asks where Lily and Kathryn know each other from, and before Kathryn can open her mouth to say anything, Lily jumps in with, "We used to to do drama classes together. Saturday mornings, a few years back. Kathryn was massively popular."

She gives Kathryn another wide smile, and Kat feels her stomach twist into anxious knots.

 

;;

 

Later, outside, both of them smoking, Lily says, "I remembered you, you know."

"Yeah," Kathryn says, taking a drag, letting it out slowly. "I remembered you too."

 

;;

 

"Who do you think you're going to be kissing?" Megan wonders aloud, when they've gone down the street to get ice cream, sitting on the curb eating it slowly.

"Dunno," Kathryn says, focuses on licking carefully around the edge of her cone so that she doesn't drip any onto her new top, conveniently leaving out the fact that Lily had mentioned to her, in the most casual, off-hand way, that she's apparently going to have to pash some girl this season (or so she suspects, anyway, what with being asked if she minded having to kiss a girl).

Kathryn had asked her if she had a problem kissing girls.

Lily shook her head, said, "I wouldn't be here if I did, would I?"

"Right, sure," Kathryn had flushed, embarrassed.

"Hello, Kathryn, you listening?" Megan's looking at her expectantly; Kathryn realizes she hasn't been listening at all, has been thinking about that conversation with Lily, how pretty she looked with her new bleached blond hair, cut shorter than Kat had ever seen it. It was a different look, certainly, but it wasn't a bad look. No, Kathryn thinks. Not bad at all.

"Fucking hell, you're totally out of it today," Megan groans, licking her fingertips, having finished off her ice cream. "What'd you take and do you have extra? I'm in the mood to get well fucked up."

"First of all," Kathryn says, biting into her cone, "it's a Sunday. Meaning, we have to get up early tomorrow, remember? We've got the photoshoot and whatever. General promotional stuff. And, second of all," she says, punctuating her second point with another bite, "second of all, I'm not on anything. So fuck off."

"Could have fooled me," Megan grumbles, standing and brushing herself off.

Kathryn ignores her, finishes what's left of her cone, stands up as well.

"So, who're you going to be kissing?"Megan asks again, while they're walking home.

"I don't know," Kathryn says, though her stomach lurches nervously, because she may not have been told directly yet, but she has a pretty good idea. "Whatever, it doesn't make a difference to me."

Megan nods. Then, "Isn't it just wicked that Lily ended up in Skins too? It's a small world, yeah?" She grins, then, realizing something, dissolves into a fit of giggles.

"What is it?" Kathryn asks, feeling rather annoyed now, hands shoved into the back pockets of her jeans.

"Nothing, nothing," Megan says, smirking at her. "I was just thinking -- wouldn't it be ridiculous if you ended up snogging Loveless? I mean, honestly, that would just be too weird, you know?"

Kathryn rolls her eyes, says, "Right," and hopes her heart isn't beating loud enough for Megan to hear it, because it sounds awfully loud to her.

 

;;

 

She waits for Lily to say it.

Every time Lily begins a sentence with, "Remember back at Mountview when . . .?" Kathryn holds her breath, thinks she's going to say what Kat has been dreading to hear, has been pretending like she's forgotten all about it, even if it's pretty much the _only_ thing she remembers from their drama classes, burning brilliantly in her mind.

But Lily never says it, just mentions something like the time Kathryn tripped on a prop and knocked down the set when she fell or the time Lily forgot her lines and just made up something completely on the spot, and Kat breathes a quiet sigh of relief, because honestly, she's not ready to talk about things that still make her heart beat double-time when she thinks about them.

And if Lily remembers, she never says anything, never in fact lets on at all about anything being out of place. Kat can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing, and settles down on the fact that it's probably neither, but it works out fine for just now.

 

;;

 

Lily thinks they should hang out. She tells Kat this while lying on the couch in their dressing room, with her head in Kathryn's lap. It's a terribly intimate position Kathryn thinks, but Lily doesn't seem to have a problem with it, so she doesn't make any sort of objection, because it is nice, really, even if it does make her feel uncomfortably warm and she has to resist the urge to stroke Lily's hair, which looks far too soft.

"You could come over some time," Kathryn suggests. "We could go out somewhere. Like, a club or whatever. Get fucked up. It could be fun."

Lily shrugs. "Dunno, wasn't really thinking about that kind of hanging out, you know?"

"Well," Kat says, but she can't think of anything else to say. She doesn't really know how to hang out without getting wasted one way or another, now that she thinks about it, can't really remember being sober for long periods of time, anyway. (And she's a bit disgusted with herself at this realization, because, honestly, it's more than a little pathetic.)

"Maybe we could just chill at your place, yeah?" Lily suggests, gazing up at her sleepily. "Like maybe, I dunno. We could go to the cinemas. Or we don't really have to do anything, just sit and talk."

Kathryn smiles. "We're always sitting and just talking."

"Not really," Lily stifles a yawn. "I mean, sometimes, yes, but most of the time we're busy with other things, you know? And we don't really get a chance to be alone, I mean. It's never just you and I."

As if on cue, Megan and Lisa come in, tossing them each a bottle of water and reminding them that they're due to start read throughs again in five minutes. Lily groans, sits up, says, "Come on, Kit Kat, let's go," and Kathryn dutifully gets up as well, with a sigh, and follows her out.

They sit next to each other, her and Lily side by side, next to Kat, Meg, then Lisa, then Kaya and the boys. It's a noticeable shift, Kat thinks, because they didn't sit like this for the first two scripts. The dynamic's changed, she realizes.

She looks down at the script in front of her, tries to focus on the words on the off-white pages, in thick black ink, tries to follow along. She can't, though, because she's read it through once already and she knows what's to come, the line _Emily hesitates then leans forward and kisses Naomi briefly_ , and she can't get the image of it happening out of her head, can't stop thinking about what it will be like.

Lily's arm on the table is much too close to hers, they're almost touching, she could reach out and stroke the back of Lily's hand with her fingertips, if she wanted to -- no, she tells herself, tries to strengthen her resolve. She takes a deep breath, tries to focus, but oh, Lily's skin looks incredibly soft and it's horrible just to keep staring at it --

And then Megan elbows her in the side and Kathryn looks up and realizes everyone's staring at her because she's completely lost track of where they are in the script and has missed her line. She stammers it out quickly, flushing, can't miss it when Lily glances over at her quickly.

She feels like throwing up.

 

;;

 

"What's it like?" Kathryn asks, while she and Kaya are outside for a smoke. "Kissing on screen, I mean."

Kaya says, "I thought you've done it before -- I mean, in _Doctors_."

"Right," Kathryn laughs nervously, flushes a bit. "Right, yes, I have. But I think this is a bit different, you know? Not because it's Lily," she adds quickly, going a bit redder, "it's just sort of daunting, yeah? I mean, so many people out there are going to see it."

Kaya finishes her fag, drops it to the ground and crushes it out delicately with the toe of her shiny black high heels. "Are you worried about what people will think?"

Exhaling, Kathryn shakes her head.

Kaya arches an eyebrow in a way that is completely like Effy, says, "What's the problem, then?"

And Kathryn doesn't know, so she doesn't answer, and it's only a minute or two later, when Kaya's heading back inside does she realize that Kaya hasn't actually answered her question and says so.

Kaya laughs, winks. "No different from any other kiss, really," and leaves without another word.

 

;;

 

It's less thrilling than she expected, really, especially after they've spent the whole day going over it.

It doesn't make it any less nice, kissing Lily -- Naomi -- like this, but after a while it loses a bit of its charm, though it's mostly because her feet are sore from standing all day and her lips are beginning to get a bit chapped. They've done it so many times by now, this scene, in rehearsals and then shooting it and she wouldn't mind taking a bit of a break.

"What, you don't like kissing me?" Lily teases, when finally they've finished the scene, and Kathryn mutters _thank God_.

Kathryn smirks, raises an eyebrow suggestively. "It's not that, Loveless, it's just that I'd rather be moving on to something more, you know? It's getting a bit boring, you know, kissing you."

Lily snorts, passes her bottle of water over to Kat.

 

;;

 

They get the script for Naomi's episode near the end of September.

The first thing she skips to is the sex scene by the lake, which she knows is there because Lily got the script before she did and got a chance read it through in the morning. She should have known something like this would happen (obviously, she thinks, what else would the episode be about), has almost been expecting it, really, even if she tried not to think about it too much. But her stomach twists into knots anyway and her heart leaps to her throat and for once she's not sure if she's going to be able to do this.  
For once, she's terrified.

 

;;

 

The first time they practice the scene (fully dressed, in one of the rehearsal rooms, the director sitting on the couch while the two of them are on the floor, scripts off to the side beside tubes of chapstick and bottles of water), they get about thirty seconds into it (which is about one and a third of a kiss; not like Kathryn's keeping track, of course) before Lily dissolves into a fit of giggles.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she says, takes a few minutes to compose herself, while Kathryn sits back on her heels and watches her, wonders exactly why Lily is so nervous -- Lily can never take things seriously when she's nervous, it's something Kathryn remembers from their drama classes together -- because they've kissed plenty of times before, and besides, there's no one really watching them and, honestly, they're not actually going to have sex.

The fourth time in, they get as far as Lily (Naomi) taking of Kat's (Emily's) shirt, when Lily leans in to kiss her and does it a bit too forcefully, taking Kathryn by surprise and making her lose her balance.

They pick up from there, decide to keep going, and Kathryn admits to be rather pleased when Lily kisses her, pushes her back down to the floor before being flipped over herself, and it all goes well without a further hitch. Of course, they have to do it again -- it's far from perfect -- but Kat thinks that maybe, okay, they're getting the hang of this.

It's when the seventh time rolls around when she has to excuse herself as soon as they've finished the scene, wanks off furiously in the bathroom, feeling horrendously guilty when she comes, because, for fuck's sake, this is not professional in the least, and Lily's her _friend_ and she shouldn't -- it's too weird, but fuck. She's still horribly wet and uncomfortable when she gets back (but not flushed and panting, having stayed in the bathroom a good four or five minutes afterward, otherwise it'd just be far too obvious and awkward), but Lily doesn't seem to notice anything odd at all.

Which, she thinks, just makes things worse, because Lily is so terribly oblivious, apparently, though she must feel that Kathryn's knickers are wet, when her knee slides between Kat's thighs as she pins her to the floor, kissing her roughly.

At least she's got enough sense to be embarrassed by how ridiculously aroused she is though, she thinks, feeling her face grow hot as she kisses a trail from Lily's mouth down between her breasts to her stomach, sits back and watches as Lily moans, pants, reaches up and behind her head for something to grab hold of. She has to avert her eyes -- it's too much, too much.

 

;;

 

"Are you nervous?" Meg asks at breakfast, over toast and eggs and orange juice, the morning of the day when she and Lily ( _Emily and Naomi_ ) are going to make love by the lake.

"Nervous for what?" Their mum asks.

Kathryn shakes her head, says, "Nothing," and kicks her sister under the table, because she should know enough not to say stuff like that in front of her parents; it only breeds curiosity and Kathryn would rather not get into a discussion right now about how later today she's going to be getting rather intimate with another _female_ cast member.

Later, upstairs, when they're brushing their teeth, Megan says, "I don't get why it's such a big deal, why don't you just tell her?"

Kathryn spits a mouthful of toothpaste out into the sink, says, "You just don't get it, Megan, it's not that simple, it's . . . complicated," and sighs, while Megan rolls her eyes and elbows her out of the way, because they're already running a bit late and they're going to miss their train if they don't hurry up.

Megan doesn't let up though -- of _course_ she doesn't, not even when she deliberately puts on her headphones, turning up the music as loudly as possible; Megan just stares at her until Kathryn can't stand it anymore, rips out her headphones, says, "What?" louder than she intends to.

"I think you should tell them, Mum and Dad," Megan says solemnly, meeting her gaze squarely. "They're not going to care."

"Who exactly are we talking about, me or Emily?" Kathryn says, feeling unusually brave for once, and this isn't something they've ever really talked about, just that unspoken thing that Megan figured out way before Kathryn even caught on (which she finds horribly irritating, that Megan knows her better than she knows herself).

The thing is, they've never really talked about this before, so now that it's actually all out in the open (well, sort of, neither of them have actually said the words out loud, it makes Kathryn feel horribly anxious just thinking about it) Kathryn feels both so much lighter (as if the cliche weight has been lifted from her shoulders, she think) and even worse at the same time, and maybe she's not really a failure or a disappointment, but she has never felt like one more before in her life.

"Hey, hey," Megan says, reaching over and putting her arms around Kathryn's waist, hugging her tightly, because Kat's started to cry.

She buries her head in Meg's shoulder, repeats _sorry_ in a whisper, over and over again. She doesn't know why she needs to be quiet or why or what she's apologizing for, doesn't even know why she's fucking crying, but Meg doesn't say anything, just squeezes her tighter and presses a kiss to her temple. And they may not get on well, Kathryn thinks, but Megan is the best little sister ever, as far as she's concerned, especially when Kat's waterproof mascara turns out to be not so waterproof after all and Megan takes her into the bathroom and helps her clean her face up, wets a paper towel and wipes away the ugly black stains.

 

;;

 

"Thanks," Kathryn says later, when they've arrived, and Meg just gives her a shrug and a smile, like, _whatever, no big deal_ , even if this is probably the first time Kathryn's ever thanked her for anything (aside from things like _thanks for letting me steal half a pack of fags_ or _thanks for not being sick all over my brand new trainers_ ).

And Lily knows something's wrong, can tell just by looking at her, even if her eyes aren't red and puffy anymore and there isn't mascara all over her cheeks, says something to the effect of, "I hope you're feeling better, Prescott, because I don't want to feel like this is a pity fuck or whatever," which makes Kathryn grin and shove her.

She opens her mouth to say _it's not fucking, it's_ making love _,_ but Lily beats her to it, says it with a coy smile that makes Kat forget about the rotten start she had this morning. And it's hard to think about that, really, when Lily looks over at her ever, because she gets butterflies in her stomach.

(It's ridiculous, really, this stupid little crush she's got, but she both hates it and loves it all at the same time, makes her feel more connected to Emily, in a way which she thinks is a bit pathetic but nice all the same.)

 

;;

 

It goes okay, all things considered, even if the lake's freezing cold and she nearly catches hypothermia from it and thus they have to cut out the scene of Emily and Naomi being terribly awkward in the lake together (which Kathryn is a bit disappointed about, because she thought it was a cute scene). And the shower breaks in their hotel room and they end up showering together, just to save time, because they're way behind schedule at this point.

Kathryn's hair is still damp by the time they get back, but the people in the hair and makeup department spritz it anyway, combing it out to make it look a bit more presentable. She sits on the blanket with Lily as the crew moves around to check the lights, the camera angles.

"You ready?" She asks, and Lily shakes her head.

"Not at all."

There's butterflies in her stomach the whole time they're shooting and she's completely on edge, afraid of fucking things up, even though she knows the lines and moves by heart now, backwards and forwards, could probably shoot the scene in her sleep.

(It's different, though, actually shooting the scene, because they're always more intense at times like these, more so than they ever are when they're rehearsing, and she's not really sure why.)

She watches Lily's eyes close, the subtle way she arches up, how she reaches behind her head, desperate for something to hold on to, and she wonders, just for a moment, if this is what Lily really looks like when someone's making love to her. The way her breath hitches in her throat, the low moan, it's all too much and realistic and when the director calls cut and the scene ends, she has to turn away when Lily looks up at her and smiles.

It's done in six takes, to make sure they've got all the scenes just how they want them, even though the first run through was absolutely perfect, as far as Kathryn's concerned. It's painful, having to re-dress and undress again and again and again, hurts to have to kiss the soft space between Lily's breasts each and every time (though never in the same place, and she likes it when she makes Lily gasp for real, when her hand slips to Lily's thigh, fingers sliding along the inside softly.

"That was alright, don't you think, Kat?" Lily says as they're in the hotel elevator later that evening.

Kat nods, sighs and falls back against the wall, worn out. "Yeah," she says. "Yeah, it was alright."

 

;;

 

It's insanely hot in her room for some reason, considering it's October. (Megan must have turned up the heat again, fuck it, it's not _that_ cold at night, hasn't she ever heard of blankets?)

She kicks the sheets off, runs a hand through her hair, her fringe damp with sweat from sticking to her forehead. She sighs, rolls over and looks at the clock on her nightstand: five hours until she's got to get up to go to read through the script for the first time. (One more episode until hers and Megan's, fuck, she's actually ridiculously excited for it, can't stop thinking about it or what it will be about, though she does have some general idea).

And then, because she's tired and thinking about such things, her mind drifts to Lily, drifts to the day and subsequent evening at the lake, of Lily kissing her, the softness of Lily's skin underneath her palms.

It's much too hot and she's too exhausted, but she slips her hands down the front of her knickers anyway, despite it all, presses her fingers neatly against herself. She doesn't intend to wank off, not really, but she's already growing wet just thinking about it, and she can't sleep anyway, so she strokes purposefully until she's gasping and writhing on the bed, trying to pretend like she's not imaging Lily's fingers in place of her own, of Lily bending her head and taking a nipple into her mouth, sucking slowly.

Later, she lies panting and disgustingly sweaty, having twisted on the bed so much that the sheets have come off the mattress on one corner, bunched up around her ankles. She feels dirty, like a right fucking slut, even if she hasn't even done anything to warrant feeling like that. It's the principle of the whole thing, she thinks, that it's just fucking wrong to be thinking about Lily while wanking off, because, okay, she could explain away the first time it happened as just a natural build of up hormones, but there's no explanation at all for this, weak or not, and it makes her sick.

She runs to the bathroom, throws up, tries not to cry while her throat is burning.

 

;;

 

"Hey Kitty Kat," Lily says with a smirk, turning to look at Kathryn as she slides open the glass door and comes to join Lily out on the balcony of their hotel room. "What's up?"

"Not much, soda pop," Kathryn says, reaching into the back pocket of her jeans for her pack of fags, fumbles a bit trying to get one out. She searches for her lighter, comes up empty, motions vaguely towards Lily who hands her lighter.

She says, "Soda pop, yeah? I remember you calling me that once."

"Yeah," Kathryn asks, cigarette between her teeth as she tries to get the lighter to work. Once she's lit up, she takes a ridiculously long drag of her fag, inhaling deeply, suddenly needing a smoke more than ever. She exhales slowly after a moment, says, "Can't believe you remember that. I was so completely off my face that night.

"I remember a lot of things,"Lily says, and Kathryn's breath catches in her throat and she thinks, this is it, Lily's finally going to bring up the time Kat almost tried to kiss her and things are going to be incredibly awkward and embarrassing (for her, anyway, Lily's got no reason to feel embarrassed at all).

But Lily doesn't say anything else, just leans forward on the balcony railing, smoking quietly, and Kat relaxes, a bit. They're like that for some time: standing side by side, smoking in silence, until Megan comes out and asks if they want to go get fucked up tonight, because Jack and Luke found a place that doesn't check for ID. Kathryn shrugs, decides to go, because why the fuck not, they haven't got many scenes to shoot tomorrow, may as well take advantage of their free time.

Lily declines the invitation, however. She's got a headache, she says, wants to try and get some extra sleep in anyway.

(Kat's disappointed about Lily not going, would have liked to have had a chance to go out with her, thinks it would have given them an opportunity to talk some more. Maybe drunk Kathryn would feel less bad about Lily bringing up the kiss -- almost kiss, it only _almost_ happened -- from a few years back. But then again, maybe it would be best to leave things as is, at least for right now. Maybe.)

 

;;

 

Kathryn doesn't have a type, really, unless her type is 'Girls That Remind Her of Lily Loveless,' which she doesn't think actually counts, though more than often attractive blonds with bright blue eyes tend to fall into this category.

She looks over, catches Meg's eye from where she's standing at the bar, an arm draped loosely around the waist of some girl she'd been slowly chatting up all night. Meg raises her eyebrows and Kathryn suddenly feels incredibly dirty; she averts her eyes, lets her hand fall lower until she's stroking the side of the girl's thigh, tells herself not to care about what Megan might think of her.

And she shouldn't feel guilty, she thinks, but she does, especially later when she and the girl fuck in the bathroom; pushed up roughly against the tiled wall, two fingers inside her, she thinks that the girl doesn't remind her of Lily at all. She tastes like cigarettes and vodka, not like Lily, who always seems to taste of mint bubblegum and orange soda. (And that's not even _Lily_ , it's _Naomi_ , she doesn't even know what Lily tastes like, what it's like to actually kiss her.)

It's quick and rough and enough, but not quite as much as she'd like, though she gets a small sense of satisfaction sliding her fingers over the girl's clit, enjoys the way her breath hitches, the way she can undo girls like this and how the girl slumps against her heavily when she comes, panting. It doesn't mean anything, of course, it's nothing more than a fuck in the bathroom of a club she'll never visit again.

And then she realizes, she doesn't even know the girl's name, and she silently adds it to her mental list of things to stop doing, under the header of _fucking strangers you meet in clubs_ , right below the one entitled _thinking about Lily while wanking off_.

She tries not to feel guilty about it.

It's stupid, anyway, to feel like this, because she hasn't done anything wrong. She's single, Lily's taken, straight, doesn't even _know_ , has no fucking clue as far as Kathryn is concerned, so what difference does it make if she sleeps with other people, even if they're only random blonds that she dances like a slut with, ends up being a slut, when she fucks them later, completely off her tits.

 

;;

 

"What's wrong?" Megan asks, when they're walking back from the train station, sharing a spliff between them.

"Nothing," Kathryn mutters, though it feels like the sky is pressing down on her. "There's nothing wrong at all."

 

;;

 

Lily's incredibly pleased, when they get their scripts for Emily and Katie's episode, finds Kathryn in the girl's dressing room and eagerly flips to the last few pages and grins ridiculously.

Kat looks at Naomi's line, mouths to herself _I love you too_ , and her throat closes up a bit. And she can't help but feel happy, because honestly, she's feels like she and Emily are one and the same now; when Emily's sad, she's sad, and when Emily's happy, they're both happy. And it's such a nice change, to think about blissful happiness, even if she knows it all goes a bit shit for a while, it's the end result that matters, really.

Occasionally they take turns teasing one another, pushing each other up against a wall whenever they're together, leaning in for a kiss, lips only just barely brushing against each other. There's a rush, a thrill, every time Lily does it, as if maybe this time she won't pull away and start to laugh, that maybe this time she'll actually follow through and kiss Kathryn good and proper.

It would be nice, she thinks. Kissing Lily.

 

;;

 

A week and six days later and they're done. The finale has still yet to be shot, of course, but Meg and Kat and Lily are done, at least for now. Kat's lips still feel bruised from the countless takes of Lily pressing her up against a locker and kissing like Naomi thinks she won't be able to breathe unless she does.

She thinks about this when she hugs Lily, tells her goodbye, to not miss her too much, and she'll see her at the wrap up party, yeah

She turns and watches as Lily leaves, in her tan coat and bright red trainers. She doesn't look away until Lily's faded off into the distance, worries that maybe she didn't have enough time to take everything in, because she doesn't remember the color of Lily's scarf or how her arms felt around Kathryn's waist.

She goes off to find Megan; she wants to go home.

 

;;

 

They don't see each other much over the break, though it's not for a lack of trying. Lily's finished with college, but Kathryn, despite originally being expelled for too many absences ("How mad is that?" She bitches to Lily over the phone. "It's not as if I just decided not to show up for nearly six months."), is busy studying for end of the year exams and she's so bogged down with make-up work ("See," Megan says, rather smugly, "this is why I kept telling you to keep up with your schoolwork during filming.") that she doesn't have time for anything else.

There's always interviews, though, and she finds herself actually looking forward to them, even if they do get asked the same questions every time and she finds herself repeating herself more than often (though sometimes she gets a bit off course and goes into tangents, which is a bit embarrassing, but also nice).

She sits next to Lily at interviews, even if it does make her heart beat faster than it should and she has to resist reaching out and putting a hand on her arm or knee. And it feels impossible sometimes, to resist, when they're so close together, accidentally brushing against one another when they're talking.

"I miss you," she blurts out to Lily one time, instantly flushes at that.

Lily wraps her arms around her, squeezes her tightly. "I miss you too, Kit Kat," she says, and her jumper smells like rain and washing powder.

 

;;

 

In April, before shooting begins again for the fourth series, Luke calls everyone up and invites them out to a party.

By nine o'clock she's already completely off her tits, sitting at the bar with Klariza and Kaya and having a ridiculously wonderful time as they match each other, shot for shot, until Kathryn can barely see straight; everything's gone all blurry at the edges and the colors of the lights in the club look a little too bright.

"Come on, stupid," Megan says, and pulls her away and over to a booth where Lily is sipping a glass of rum and Coke and looking much more sober than Kathryn. She pushes Kathryn in beside Lily and moves to sit on Lily's other side.

"Hello, Kitty Kat," Lily says with a smile, and it's enough to send Kathryn into a fit of giggles, laughing at absolutely nothing except some stupid nickname. And then Lily laughs too, probably at her, but it doesn't matter, because Kathryn missed this more than she can say, this closeness between them.

"Oh, Kathryn, Kathryn," Lily sighs, amused, downing the rest of her drink. "You're adorable when you're drunk, do you know? Come on, let's go dance."

On the dance floor, it's massively crowded. Kathryn presses back up against Lily, yells, "I love this song!" (though she can't even remember the name, let alone any of the lyrics) and grabs Lily's hands and puts them on her waist, grinding slowly against her. She can see it as Lily swallows, like she's nervous, but her hands are firm on Kat's waist, and it's reassuring enough.

It's too far, though, when she leans up and back and kisses Lily's neck.

Lily drags her into the bathroom, says in a very quiet tone, almost pleading like, "Kathryn, please, you have to stop this."

And she can't stop herself, she says, "I love -- "

She can't finish it; she starts to cry.

 

;;

 

For almost a month, they barely speak, except once when Lily rings the house to see if they're coming to the party next week for Merv's birthday; Kathryn's the one who finally picks up, tries not to sound either too eager or too disappointed when she hears Lily's voice on the other end.

She doesn't know what it is that happened (that's a lie, of course she knows), but things have changed between them.

Sometimes Kat takes out her phone, thinks about texting Lily, asking if she'd like to go out somewhere, maybe for coffee or something. Sometimes she even gets as far as writing out the message, but she can't ever bring herself to press the 'send' button. She thinks that it's no good, the silence and space between them, only makes her more anxious and sick and on weekends she can barely even drag herself out of bed; it's not until Megan comes in and kicks at the mattress for a good while does she bother to get up and put on something other than pyjama bottoms and a tank top.

"You're pathetic," Megan tells her, crossing her arms and looking squarely at Kat, who's sitting on the couch looking like a mess, hair mussed, still in the clothes she slept in the night before, curled up on the couch watching re-runs of _Desperate Housewives_ (a show which she hates but Megan loves, so she's gotten sorta used to watching it; it's better than nothing, anyway).

"Fuck off," Kathryn sighs, not even looking up.

"Call her," Megan says.

Kathryn picks at the edge of the blanket. She can't say that she's just not brave enough to.

 

;;

 

They can't do this. That's what Lily says.

Kathryn kicks at the curb, refuses to look up. "Why not?" She says, steadily starting to lose her voice, throat feeling dry and cracked. "Jack and Kaya -- "

"Are not us," Lily says, fumbling in her purse for a cigarette and lighter. "Look, Kathryn, you have to understand. Things like this, they just can't be simple. And even if it _was_ simple -- or even just less complicated -- it just wouldn't work. We wouldn't be able to hang out or go places or -- "

"Why not," Kathryn whines, rubbing her temple, feeling a massive headache coming on. "Who cares about what other people think? I mean, we go out all the time now and, -- "

"And look at us," Lily says, frowning and tossing her cigarette away only half done. "Christ, Kat, don't you get it?"

Kathryn slumps down to the curb, doesn't care about how dirty it is or about messing up her new dress, just can't bear to stand any longer, because it feels like there's a weight pressing down and around her on all sides and it's just all too much. She puts her face in her hands, too tired to cry. And then Lily slides down next to her, stares straight out across the street, not saying a word.

It's probably only been minutes, but it feels like forever, when Lily reaches across, rests her hand on top of Kathryn's, and just that simple, light touch is enough to make her eyes burn with tears, and Kat wipes her eyes with her free hand, not wanting to cry but knowing that it's terribly obvious anyway.

And then Lily shifts her hand and their fingers are sliding together, interlocking, palm to palm (it makes Kat think of secondary school Literature lessons and Shakespeare). They sit like that, for a bit, just holding hands on the side of the street, sitting on a dirty street corner down the block from where they left everyone else at the club, where everyone is getting too wasted to even notice they've gone.

"Come back to my place," Lily says quietly, and Kathryn nods, sniffs, hopes her mascara isn't running.

 

;;

 

"You're excited today," Megan remarks on the train.

"Well, aren't you?" Kathryn can't help but grin. "We're going to see everyone again! I mean, it's only been, what -- well, not very long, anyway -- since we've all been together, but I miss when it's all of us, you know? I've just gotten so used to filming and scripts and us hanging out on set."

She doesn't need to add, _and Lily'll be there too_. They both already know it.

 

;;

 

Lily says, "Oh, I don't know if you know, but I broke up with my boyfriend."

She says it in such a casual, nonchalant way, that Kathryn almost doesn't believe it at first. Then, a moment or two later, it actually sets in, what Lily has just said and she just feels like bursting, has to force herself not to smile when she says, "Oh?"

Lily nods, finishes her bottle of water, tossing it aside.

Kathryn says, _oh_ again, tells herself to calm the fuck down, because this doesn't mean anything, Lily being single now, because there's no way at all that Lily did it so that they could be together, no way that Lily did it for _her_. And it's stupid to think she has a chance now, but she can't help it, especially not when later they're in costume and character for the promotional photoshoot and Lily wraps her arms around Kat's waist, pulls her in, close enough so that their noses bump against each other.

Later, Kat watches while Lily poses for shots, tries not to stare at her impossibly long legs and silently curses the wardrobe department for dressing her in such a short plaid skirt, because, really, it does nothing for her self-control.

Luke slides down into the chair beside her with a nod.

"Lily's nice, isn't she?" He says, after a time, and Kat nods distractedly. Luke says, "I heard she ended things with the guy she was seeing."

"Yeah, so did I," Kat says, staring down at her shoes, noticing a scuff mark on the toe. "Too bad. For her, I mean."

"Yeah, well," Luke shrugs, leans back, stretching. "It is a bit of a shame, isn't it? Lily's fucking mint, off the record of course, but it's not like we don't all know it, yeah?"

Kathryn swallows hard, feels her mouth go dry. "Right."

 

;;

 

The first time they kiss, for real, not because it is says so in the script, Lily tastes like cigarettes and vanilla ice cream.

They get caught in the rain walking back to the studio after going out for lunch together and they run until they can find a bus stop to take shelter under. And there's no one there but them and Kathryn can't help herself, with the rain water running down the gentle slope of Lily's neck and she leans back and tries to catch her breath and the way her navy shirt clings to curves of her body just so, and there's the shape of Lily's hip --

She kisses her, long and slow and Lily doesn't pull away like Kathryn was convinced that she would.

 

;;

 

"I wouldn't mind it," Lily says, back at their hotel that evening, the two of them sitting on Lily's bed and watching the news together. "You and I, mean. I think we should try it."

Kathryn wants to say that isn't what she's looking for, that _trying_ implies that things aren't set, that there's a chance that one day Lily will wake up and decide that this just wasn't what she wanted. Kathryn doesn't want to feel like she's just someone to take out for a test run, like she was a car or something equally emotionless.

But because her heart is a wicked traitor, she says, "Okay, then. Let's try it," and kisses Lily lightly, pleased when Lily kisses her back harder, pushing Kathryn down onto her back, her knee between Kat's thighs.

 

;;

 

Lily reminds her of peppermint.

When Kathryn kisses her, she tastes like gum and sometimes schnapps or toothpaste, if it's in the morning, and when Kathryn nuzzles against Lily, kissing her neck, she smells like the peppermint body wash that Kathryn got her for Christmas. Even her sheets are red and white striped; it makes Kat think of candy canes and after dinner mints. She likes the association, of Lily and peppermint, remembers smelling it one time in class and becoming rather suddenly and awkwardly aroused, had to excuse herself to go wank off in the toilets.

Lily says Kathryn reminds her of the time they went to Brighton for the weekend (an event that had Meg going around the house grinning like an idiot for a week, because really, she'd said, how awfully typical), with her candy colored hair and her sheets that smell like the ocean.

Sometimes they lie in bed for hours (always in Kat's bed though, because Lily's only got a single and it's too small for them to lie on it without being all cramped), sometimes naked and sometimes half-dressed, but it's always silence that they lie in, with Kat running her fingers along the curve of Lily's back or Lily trailing kisses us and down the length of Kathryn's arms, slow and soft and it leaves Kathryn feeling both incredibly satisfied and unsatisfied all at once.

 

;;

 

They never say it, _love_.

It doesn't change how she feels, not saying it. But it hurts a little, that Lily never says it at all, and it's not that she doubts their kisses or Lily's affection. It's just, she wants to be told, just once.

She'd say it back, too. She just doesn't want to be the only one to say it.

 

;;

 

"Tell me a story," Lily murmurs lazily, when they're lying in bed one afternoon, her back to Kathryn, who is contentedly trailing kisses all along her shoulders, arms, back.

"I don't know any stories," Kathryn says quietly and Lily sighs.

"That's a shame," she says, and rolling over, kisses Kat, while her hand moves up to cover Kathryn's breasts, thumb brushing lightly against the nipple.

Kathryn lets out something between a sigh and a moan when Lily bows her head and replaces her thumb with her mouth, sucking impossibly slowly, and already she's incredibly wet, just from this. She moves forward and presses Lily back against the pillows, kisses her jaw, neck, stomach, licks along the inside of Lily's thigh, as Lily's hands dart forward, searching for her, fingers tangling in Kat's hair.

;;

 

"I don't know what I'm going to do, when this ends," Lily says, and Kathryn wonders if Lily means when _Skins_ ends or when _they_ end, because both are too intense and wonderful to last that long.

She takes Lily's hand in her own, kisses the knuckles, says, "I'm going to be heartbroken."

She means it both ways, but mostly, she means Lily.

 

;;

 

It can't last; nothing good ever does.

"We'll never see each other, after this," Kathryn says, crying, not caring if her makeup runs or not. "When this series is over, that's it, we're finished. You'll go one way and I'll go the other. That's how it always is."

Lily says, not crying, because Lily never cries, it's the one thing that she and Naomi are utterly alike about, and Kat thinks that's what makes this hurt even more, "It doesn't have to end, Kathryn, unless you want it to."

"I don't," Kathryn says, face in her hands, and it feels like there's a belt around her heart set four notches too tight and she can't find the buckle to undo it. "I don't want it to end."

"Then why are you doing this?" Lily asks, and her voice breaks, just a little but just enough, so that Kathryn looks up and can't help but stand and kiss her.

"I don't know, I don't know," she whispers, and kisses Lily again, though she's crying even harder. "I just know that I have to."

 

;;

 

"You're stupid, you know," Megan says to her, on the train, when she's staring out the window trying desperately not to cry and look like a fool in public.

Kathryn wishes that she could explain it to Megan, that things could never stay the way they were, that they were fated to fail from the first day they saw each other. She wishes she could explain it, that she only broke both their hearts now so that she wouldn't have to be the only one hurting later, when Lily broke hers.

And it's not over. She's sure they'll find each other again, someday, when they won't have to worry about not sitting too close to each other for interviews or worrying that someone will see them kissing. It'll be better then, anyway; they can be happy.

That's what she would say, if she could find the words to say it.


End file.
